I enjoy the Esquire feature “The Leisure Meter,” and look forward to its high-brow snarkiness in each month’s issue. Here’s my stab at it, with all due respect to the source.

This month’s downtime breakdown:

Chuckling at the knucklehead in Target who, despite being in his 20s, climbs into a shopping cart so his girlfriend can push him around like a toddler. 5 minutes

Shaking your head a few days later upon seeing a 40-something woman being pushed in a cart by her burly, biker man, and wondering if this is some sort of strange trend like bum fighting. 20 minutes

Listening to Damon Albarn’s gloomy new project, The Good, The Bad & The Queen, and thanking [insert deity's name] for Danger Mouse, who produced the release. 43 minutes

Lamenting that you still don’t own Blur’s Parklife, but should. 5 minutes

Treating yourself to a wicked-hot cup of Darjeeling double malt loose leaf tea. 30 minutes

Watching Guillermo del Toro’s new film Pan’s Labyrinth for its stunning mix of the beautiful and the terrible. 1 hour, 50 minutes

Trying not to overanalize its dense imagery. 5 hours

Giving a cat a solid belly rub. 10 minutes

Wishing you were a cat for just such an occasion. 30 seconds

Enjoying, albeit guiltily, Ego Trip’s The (White) Rapper Show on VH1. 4 hours (four episodes this month)

Working “Step off!”, MC Serch’s Trumpish line at the end of each episode, in everyday conversations. 10 minutes